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Unattractive regardless, why bother?
I have a condition where despite the fact that I bathe and brush my teeth, I still have body odor and bad breath. I believe that it is Trimethylaminuria, a disorder which causes body odor due to a missing liver enzyme. It might be a similar disorder as I tested negative for this one. I'm not sure if the diagnosis was right. Anyway, I am well aware of the fact that I am a walking annoyance, joke and punching bag. Despite that, I work to live as happy a life as possible. I make sure to do things that I love doing like walking in the park, visiting museums, writing, even going to college. It took me a long time to get to the point of really enjoying those things again. I think my skin is pretty thick at this point or I just am no longer shocked by people's behavior. So I now believe that I have the psychological energy to take better physical care of myself. To exercise, to take care of my hair, dress better etc. Before this problem I was a prissy type of person and took much pride in my appearance! After this, I just don't see the point of looking good since I stink anyway. What is the point? Upon the sight of me people screw their faces up into either a disgusted, irritated, or very angry scowl. When they are with others they also laugh freely together. They yell that I'm nasty, stink, uggh, and yuck at the top of their lungs. I have decided to think of God's face when I see theirs and to think of what God has done for me instead of what people have and are doing to me to get away from anger and vengeful thoughts taking over my every moment. My idea of God is the being that makes it possible for me to carry on despite these people's behaviors. A God that has made it possible for every person to withstand all manner of trials. However, whenever I attempt to take really good care of my body, a voice says something like oh please like it matters. And mental images of people's faces and their words ring in my head. I can't push these images and insults away during these times. I do brush and shower regularly but it also seems pointless. Maybe I should just take my place under a bridge. No one would be the least bit surprised. Only that is not my life's goal. I do lean towards suicidal a lot when I think of my body so I really don't care for it much anyway. And it is not a belief of mine that God cares about that situation except that I rise above it. Any suggestions on how I can motivate myself to exercise, eat right, dress well, do something to my hair despite the fact that I stink?
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